MSG

So, there I was, no s***, coolin' and challin' and kickin' it w/ my boss and co-workers at a chinese buffet restaurant, shoveling more food than I want in my face b/c, well, it's a buffet and that's why people go to a buffet..unlimited feeding potential. your fatness is only bound by the strength of your ileum and the resilence of your pyloris....or perhaps the spasmotic nature of your sphincter. so as i was shoving beef and broccoli in my face (b/c, i mean, why get something different at a buffet anyways? it might taste bad and you'd have to waste some of that delicious energy you've been ingesting by having to make yet another trip to the buffet line), i realized a few things: 1) MSG somehow acts as a lubricant for your digestive tract...or some kind of catalyst to speed up the digestion process and 2) i wonder if you can buy / create an anti-lubricating force to counter it. i've heard it said before that the only two things you need are WD40 and duct tape. "if it doesn't move and it should, use the WD40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape." likewise with your digestive tract! so im seeking some duct tape for your colon! colon-tape. maybe if i start drinking chalk, or doing stuff that scares me while i eat, that'll serve as colon-tape. for example, if you're walking down the street and really have to use the can, but someone gets hit by a car right in front of you, then you're going to forget about having to dump and help the person! well, that's the theory! i gotta be careful here, i'd hate to invent W-colon-40 while trying to invent colon-tape! so, next time im at a buffet, im going to hire some kids or midgets to dress up in scary halloween costumes and jump out from under the buffet line, thus serving as my colon-tape!

AND, on the subject of buffet's, id like to start my own.....Woolly's Eatery Terrificano / Oyo Nice EXTREME Salad...or WETONES for short. yes, a buffet and a salad bar, b/c every buffet has a salad bar, no matter how lame. i guess that's liability protection for the establishment from the quadruple bypasses that eat there daily.

"Ladies and gentlement of the jury, WETONES has a salad bar that Fattie McFatnasty could have choosen to eat from!" This chinese place even had a salad bar...it consisted of lettuce, crutons and dressing. but you can't blame them, it wasn't getting a fraction of the wear that the general tso's chicken was gettin'!

Hmmm, maybe Fattie McFatnasty could benefit from some W-colon-40. Instead of having costumed midgets jump out from the buffet line, he'd do well to have people puking right there in the buffet line. b/c there's nothing like someone else puking that makes you really want to wretch!!!

"....So Be Good for Goodness Sake"

You've all heard this song since childhood, but have you ever paid close attention to the words? Allow me to point out some ironic, frightening, comical, and sphincter-relaxing items...

You'd better not shout
You'd better not cry
You'd better not pout
I'm tellin you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

He see's you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Let's start at the beginning (generally, a nice place to start). The part of the song i like to call "the better not's". Ignoring the fact that it's generally better to teach someone something or otherwise influence their will by using positives rather than negatives (you should shut your kid punk a$$ up before i bury this toy train set so far up your nose the only thing you'll be able to think about is Lisa Simpson's valentine's day card from Ralph...as opposed to "you'd better not shout"). Well, I read that on the internet in between porn sessions, so who knows. But yeah, ignoring that and focusing on the obvious mind control technique parents are attempting on their kids, it seems odd to me that "shout," "pout," and "cry" are the undesirable actions to be eliminated. Sure, those are undesirable traits, but how about we do a little long range planning for our kids with:

"You'd better not murder"
"You'd better not rape"
"You'd better not beasiality, I'm tellin you why...beast-i-ality is dis-gusting, and gross"

Ok, now for the truly disturbing part of the song. Don't think the next part is disturbing, eh? Replace the word "He" with "Micheal Jackson" and the word "you" with "your kid's sweet virgin bung."

Micheal Jackson sees your kid's sweet virgin bung when it's sleeping
Micheal Jackson knows when your kid's sweet virgin bung is awake
Micheal Jackson knows if it's been tight or loose
So be loose for goodness sake!

And on the subject of "for goodness sake"...
The whole f***ing song is an attempt to brainwash kids into behaving while also giving parents some muscle all throughout the year. It's like my parents used to always tell me, "Woolly, you ruined me and your father's marriage...now take off your pants and dance for mommy or santa claus is going to bring you a big hunk of dildo-shaped coal for Christmas...bitch! and when you go out, pick mama up some cigarettes and a sixer of beast ice...the 'ice' means it has more alcohol...."But mommy! I'm only 12 years old!" "You want dildo coal for Christmas or not?"

This is a subject that's not discussed often enough or given enough respect; i mean, seriously, the whole damn song is spent talking about santa claus and presents, and then they bust out with "so be good for goodness sake?" yeah right...you talk about presents and candy and then tell me that i should be good, but not for the presents and candy, i should be good for the intrinsic value of goodness. Fuck, uhh, i mean F*** that!

We're gonna give you presents
A lot at one time
You're gonna get presents and candy and wine (if you're over 21 or in Mexico)
Fat man gives out free presents at night, sooooo...

you'd better behave
you'd better get A's
you'd better not bitch, I'm tellin you why
for the intrinsic val-ue of goodness

ignoring all the presents
it's real nice to be good
we know if you act bad or good
but that doesn't matter b/c the intrinsic value of being good is the real reason you should be good anyways and it's not about the presents (sorry, fubared the rythm scheme) <-- that part's supposed to be said really fast in order to force-fit into the song, like "intrinsic" above.

Now that you've learned the brainwashing importance of this song, you can curl up with the one you love, turn off the TV, have a nice candle-light dinner, and then f*** like stoned bunnies! But after that, make sure you go out and shovel some old woman's driveway, for the intrinsic value of being good, of course, not the Social Security check you plan to steal out of her mailbox while she's not looking!

T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!

GO NINJA GO NINJA GO
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO
GO GO GO GO

Oops...that was from the second Ninja Turtles movie...it was the first movie that featured that catchy MC Hammer gettin his funk on with those gold swishy pants singin' "T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!" In the second ninja turtles movie, Vanilla Ice kicks it in straight up "Word to yo motha'" style with the above stylings. Speakin of Vanilla Ice, who cares if he ripped off David Bowie (for the record, he obviously did)? If "Ice Ice Baby" came out today, A.) nobody would even recongnize the riff from David Bowie (many would probably think that Bowie stole it from Ice) and 2.) nobody would care b/c Puff Daddy and many other unoriginal rap "artists" have made bastardizing classic rock songs commonplace. My personal favorite is "Free Turd" by Lyn-Nerd Abs-urd.

If I pap smear tomorroooowww
Would you still dis-member me?
Cuz I must be traveling on now...
Too many beers and I have to pee
And if i stained here, peeeyeewwww now!
The sheets just wouldn't be the same
My bowels are about to free a turd now,
And from a turd you can get mange
And from a turd you can get mange
And from a turd you can get maaaaannnge
But from these drawls I can't channggeee

Bowel, bowel, it's been a sweet dump
And dammit! My Depends I can't change
But please don't take it baddllyyyy,
Cuz f**kin' A, I'm deranged
And from a turd you can get mange now
Lord knows, you dont want mannngeeeee
Lord help me, I've got, maya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-nge

Bew be beep be bew bew be beep be bew be-bew
beep beep bew bew bew bew waka waka waka waka
bew wew wew bew wew waka waka waka waka...

Anyways, in my youth, Ralphiel was my favroite ninja turtle...but the creators of the movie had to ruin him for me and everyone else by making him the a$$hole. recall, in the cartoon, he was "cool but rude ('give me a break')" and, sorry, but in the movie he was "a giant douche." Oh well, at least he wasn't a p*ssy like Leonardo.

Ralphiel: "Let's kick his f***in' ass....I want to f*** April O'Neil turtle-style."
Leonardo: "Hold on, true the Foot really did murder that little boy, but we must talk to Master Splinter before we initiate less-than-lethal force against the alleged murder."

Screw you Leonardo! It's a shame the coolest Renaissance artist was assigned to the lamest ninja turtle...

Blea lea lea..Where you at?!

Blea lea la....blea lea la....blea lea la
"Where you at yo?"
Blea lea la
"I'm in class YO, where you at?"
Blea lea la
"I'm in the movie theather getting ready to watch Star Wars Episode 3 with some dorked-out Trekkies, HOLLA!"
Blea lea la
"Coo."
Blea lea la
"What you doin?"
Blea lea la
"Takin' this algebra test bra."
Blea lea la
"That no good."
Blea lea la
"Yeah, it's all quiet and s*** in here, s*** sucks."
Blea lea la
"Aitttttteee, well I just wanted to holla and make sure that i ANNOY EVERY F***ING NON-DEAF PERSON ANYWHERE NEAR EITHER ONE OF US WITH THE WALKIE-TALKIE FEATURE ON MY "NOT ALREADY ANNOYING ENOUGH" CELLULAR TELEPHONE!"
Blea lea la
"I hurd dat. Back in the day, old school style, when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous, you know, when they first came out with beepers, yo, well, they got to be all annoying and what not because they'd always go off in class, the movie theather, the library...or hell, even hearing one in walmart was enough to make you want to excommunicate yourself. Then they fixed the problem and made "silent mode" for pagers and human-kind lived in a cellular telephone-free utopia for years and years. But then, like ebola, came the cellular telephone (cue the drums from 2001: A Space Odyessey). At first, it wasn't that bad...cellular phones (aka "car" phones) were massive, Zack Morris style phones. You couldn't take them out of your car, b/c they had no power supply other than the special cradle that you had to keep in your car. Zack Morris models (about the size of a cinder block and just about as heavy, but if you were willing to cart a car battery around in a wheelbarrow to power the darn thing, you could call Kelly Kapowski or whom-the-hell-ever whenever you wished from where ever you wished just so long as "where ever you wished" is not inside a building, in a partially-dense forest / park area or more than 3 miles away from a cell phone tower."
Blea lea la
"Coo. "
Blea lea la
"Fast forward through a rather long strech of time, YO, through the semi-stringent Zack Morris cell phone years to the Apocolpyse of the most recent ended era, the "cell phone" era."
Blea lea la
"What you mean yo?"
Blea lea la
"I mean fast forward in time you dips*** b/c i dont feel like going on and on about the boring years of Zack Morris cell phone drudgery....where the only technological advancements were in covers for your Zack Morris and not internal to the phones' high-tech gadetrey at all. "
Blea lea la
"I KNOW FOOL! What's this 'cell phone' era giz?"
Blea lea la
"The 'cell phone' era is where technology began to focus on the actual phone, in order to maximize distraction...probably some massive plot by the pharmacetical companies the increase sales for ADD medication. Anyways, cell phones got smaller and smaller, and the batteries got better, or, well, seemingly better. Batteries in today's cell phones are programmed to last for random intervals of time, and the number of bars in the battery icon thing displays how much battery you'd like to have...subtract 2 bars and divide by 100 to get an approximation of how much battery you really have left. SOOOO, what i was saying is that cell phones got more portable. so now you can travel 50 miles away from the nearest tower just so long as your license plate on your car ends with an odd-number or odd-numbered letter on even-numbered days. People with even-numbers on their license plate get reception on the odd-numbered days. OH that's right, and you're in the "blue zone" on your cell phone company's fractal imagery coverage area map. Anyways, during the 'cell phone era' phones got smaller, flip phones came out, digital phones became mainstream, and cell phones evolved one redeeming quality: games. Also, calendars, alarm clocks, cameras that you can sneak in to strip clubs, and many other features graced the growing status symbol. But the "cell phone era" was only the pharmaceutical companies first step in selling more ADD drugs..."

Blea lea la
Blea lea la
"Sorry...hand slipped off the button. Anyways, moral of the story for the 'cell phone era' cell phones got more portable, and then the pharmaceutical companies began what's become known as the 'era of supreme annoyance and ADD drug sale revenue increases.' This is where cell phones no longer ring, they play 'ring tones', they bastardize Black Sabbath and other great bands like 50 cent and the f***ing Dukes of Hazard theme song.

Yessir, once, however, a bastion of truth, a girl named Chestly Buxom Cleavage III, valedictorian of Sucock High School, who got her engineering degree from the University of South Carolina and then went to work for Motorola, intented the "silent ring mode." a great defeat against the pharmy companies (b/c they're trying to sell more ADD drugs, remember)...but, alas, it was too little, too late. Because, well, even if you're cell phone rings in silent / vibrate mode when you're in the movie theather, you still gotta answer it. Besides, the pharm companies countered by making the vibrating feature soooooooo powerful that the noise the phone makes while vibrating is just as loud if not louder than the actual ring on 'low' mode...and in case it's not too late b/c you're really into something like playing rummy with your girlfriend's grandmother, the vibrating phone will vibrate itself right off the counter and into: the dog's water bowl, the trash can, onto the high hat symbol you have set up beside the counter, etc.

You still there?"

Blea lea la
"Yeah yo, these Trekkies don't mind, go ahead"

Blea lea lea
"So the pharmaceutical companies created and popularized ring tones for even the newest of songs....and they hyped up that d*mned motorcycle frog so now every year at Christmas I hear the commercials for 'blou le blou le le le bluou leeee bloue leee boue leeeeee PICK UP!" but even the commercials have made that frog so annoying that nobody wants to listen to it....one would think. but then the frog beats out Oasis or the Beatles or whomever for the number 1 song spot in Europe...WTF?!!!!!! it's a cell phone ringer?!!!! see, obvious pharmaceutical interferrence there, huh?

So I could ratter on longer about this particularly intriging yet infruiating era, but I'll skip to a rather notable meeting held at the U.S. Pharmular building in November of 2003."

Blea lea la
"huh?"

Blea lea la
"Stay with me here YO....drug manufacturers, worried about their most recent fubar, Vioxx, needed a boost...they're plan was coming along well with the cell phones as they'd already noticed the sales of Duuuuhhhhhhhhox and Pro-daaaaaaaia ADD medications picking up. But they needed to maintain that bottom line despite the Vioxx. So they decided to bump the annoyance up to the next level by combining all the annoyance of someone talking in public on a cellular telephone with the testicle-splitting din from the scream of the "red button" on a walkie-talkie (i guess that button was for morse code...but all I ever heard was 'beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep') . What did that yield?

Blea lea la
"I dont know YO"

Blea lea la
"This f***ing 'blea lea la' walkie talkie feature on cell phones today! popularized by an old woman talking like an African American with the marketing catch phrase, 'Where you at?', this phone crazy has been sweeping the nation...because why buy a set of walkie talkies for $12 when you can pay a monthly fee to use your cell phone as a walkie talkie and annoy everybody in your building. It's evil genious!"

Blea lea la
"That's heavy yo...that's deep."

Blea lea la
"Like the ocean, home skillet. so I'll end with this..."

Blea lea la
Blea lea la
Blea lea la
"WHERE YOU AT?!"